Often hailed as the creme del a creme of the orgasmic cake, oral sex can be considered as the perfect act of vulnerability and release.
Yet, there are some women who just don’t find it that enjoyable—especially when receiving oral elicits thoughts like ‘I wish I had bathed today’ or ‘what do I need to remember to get at the store tomorrow?’ and virtually every other mundane detail that could possibly get in the way of blissful release.
As for giving?
Thoughts like ‘Hmm, should I make eye contact?’ ‘Am I doing this right?’ ‘Argh, I hope I don’t gag!’ ‘Does this really feel good for them?’ can detract from the experience entirely.
Whether giving or receiving, staying in the moment forms a major element of enjoying the act. But, according to Wendy Strgar, author of Sex that Works: A Woman’s Guide to Embracing the Erotic, Awakening Arousal, and Deepening Intimacy, “women who have a lot of anxiety about oral sex are the ones who are trying to perform a sexual act that doesn’t turn them on.”
But staying present is also really hard when what you are doing doesn’t excite you. A lot of the performance anxiety is unnecessary, according to Strgar, “because the most important thing is that your partner senses your desire for them.”
But, here’s the thing…despite knowing that your enthusiasm is more powerful than any technique you’re missing, you’ll undoubtedly want to make it the best experience ever.
And that’s exactly where we come in…whether you’re experiencing performance anxiety or even just having a hard time orgasming, we’ve got some super sexy (and helpful) tips to help you get ahead and level up your oral sex game.
Make oral sex great again
Everyone deserves great oral sex. Consider the following tips, and you’ll soon be on your way to lingual greatness.
Take it slow
Although this may seem counterintuitive, the best way to rev up the moment is to slow down the foreplay rather than rushing to get the job done. Instead, take time to explore and kiss their body gently.
The benefits of this approach are two-fold:
- You’ll up the ante and get them super excited about what’s in store
- The experience of slowly stimulating each erogenous zone will allow you both to be completely present.
Practice good hygiene
Although all vaginas have a natural scent, a common concern among women receiving cunnilingus is whether they smell good and are “clean enough” down below.
While vaginas are supposed to smell like vaginas (and nobody should EVER be judged for their natural scent), you’ll want to keep things clean to avoid transmitting bacteria.
Furthermore, knowing that your genitals are relatively clean might alleviate some anxiety and make you feel more comfortable and confident.
Furthermore, when it comes to oral sex, most people don’t necessarily think about their oral hygiene—but it’s actually pretty important! Oral health directly correlates to the transmission of infections, and it’s essential to consider if you or your partner has any mouth sores or bleeding gums prior to engaging in oral sex.
But before you start scrubbing your teeth pre-oral, it’s essential to note that flossing or brushing your teeth just before or just after oral sex increases the likelihood of STI transmission, especially if people have sensitive gums that bleed easily.
A good rule of thumb is don’t engage in oral sex within two hours of brushing or flossing to give your mouth time to recover.
Letting go of anxieties and focusing on what you’re doing may help you get into the mood and genuinely enjoy pleasuring your partner.
The problem of providing oral sex as a service is that if you’re not into it and it doesn’t turn you on sexually, the act becomes mechanical and, over time, may become a cause of resentment.
Basically, what we’re saying is that doing things sexually for others (that don’t arouse you) is never recommended because there’s a very good chance that you may fall into the opposite camp—not wanting to be sexual at all (or even worse, feeling that your pleasure or arousal is less important!)
Sometimes all you need is a little bit of mutual love. And what better way to do this than to throw some numbers into the mix…more specifically, 69!
Adding a new level of engagement through the classic position of 69 is one approach to shifting oral sex away from the idea of servitude.
As a result, you’re likely to feel less self-conscious (since there’s less of a sense of putting on a show and more effort to connect). This type of oral sex truly adds rocket fuel to the notion of shared pleasure.
Allow your fantasies to go wild
Fantasizing during oral sex can help women with anxieties to derive more pleasure from acting out their deepest desires.
While some people feel that thinking about pornographic fantasies during sex might detract from an intimate moment, certain kinds of fantasies are key to super-charged oral sex.
Think of it this way—if you allow these sexy thoughts to surface (even if you’re not sharing them), you’ll be able to enjoy all types of erotic acts and enjoy oral sex in a way that turns you on. It’s a win-win!
Think about what you eat
Did you know that fruit with high water content, such as strawberries and pineapples, can help with your natural lube and add some extra sweetness to the sexperience?
Yup, what you eat can alter your smell/taste so if you really want to blow your SO’s mind, try eating more fruit and veggies.
But, as we’ve already mentioned, your vagina cleans itself and has a natural aroma, so there’s no need to be concerned about your smell or taste.
Luckily for those that own vaginas, there’s no limit to how many times someone can orgasm in one session. So why not keep going after they reach their climax to see if you can give them another one?
The same is true if your partner has a penis—don’t pull away as soon as they orgasm. Lightly massage the shaft with your mouth or hand to give them tingles all over.
Get turned on and let the enthusiasm flow
As we’ve already iterated, the best way to give oral is when you’re turned on. And what better way to do that than to make yourself feel good by—yup, you guessed it—feeling yourself!
Think about giving yourself some pleasure while you’re giving it; whether this entails fantasizing, touching yourself, or wearing a vibe, it’s up to you to decide how you’re going to get those sensual juices flowing.
Incorporate sex toys into your oral playtime
You may already have a vibrator or two for your own pleasure, but this can also be a terrific way to add new sensation when giving oral to those with penises. Try using a toy like the Ultra Wand or the Booster Bullet along the shaft and tip of the penis for a bit of tantalizing teasing time.
Heighten their senses and use a blindfold
Blindfolding your partner can heighten their senses and make their erogenous zones even more sensitive. While they’re blindfolded, stimulate their vulva, labia, shaft, or head with your tongue (or vibrator) and watch the sweet (but intense) sensations take over.
Make eye contact
This one works great for both giving and receiving, helping you connect with your partner (even when your mouth is full!) It’s a massive turn for your partner to look you in the eye when giving you oral sex.
Focus on what matters right then and there
Being present and entirely focused on giving oral is where your passion is almost sure to turn your partner on. Conversely, think about how off-putting it is when someone is going down on you, and their facial expression and body language say, “OK, how much longer do I have to do this?”
We cannot overstate the importance of enthusiasm! If you truly want to turn your partner on, spirit is paramount. Not to mention it sets the tone for both parties to give it their all.
Keep your tongue moistened with mints or chewing gum
Saliva is integral to giving great head… so we totally get the levels of frustration when a case of dry mouth hits!
If a parched mouth is the bane of your sex life, keep some mints or chewing gum on your bedside table for easy access before getting to sleep (Pretty much almost anything containing “xylitol” can assist in jumpstarting saliva production!)
… talking about spit, try deep throating
Going deeper can help you produce more spit, as bizarre as it sounds. How? This method makes your body go into flight or fight mode and tricks your body into gagging.
(Remember, though, only do this if you’re 100% comfortable with it!)
Get familiar with the Kivin method
Instead of approaching your vulva with the clit at the north end of the oral compass, have your partner lie perpendicularly, so your clit is now in the east or west positions.
This allows them to lick your clit from the new north to south, or side to side, for what some term a genuinely game-changing oral sensation known as the Kivin method.
Bring in some rear assistance
If your tongue and hands are tired (they work hard all day, we get it!) or even if they aren’t, you can (and should!) bring in some nonhuman help. Use a butt plug or anal beads with your partner’s consent to take your playtime to the next level.
Use your breath
According to Mare Simone, a qualified tantra educator, utilizing your heated breath to stimulate nerve endings is an excellent method to build up excitement before diving in.
This works as well with fellatio and cunnilingus. Take a step back the next time you’re going down on your partner to breathe on their sensitive bits before making contact.
The suspense will turn them on in ways you never imagined possible.
Experiment with some gentle prostate play
Did you know that, in addition to internal prostate stimulation via fingering or toys, you can also externally stimulate a prostate? If this doesn’t really sound like your cup of tea and you still need a bit of convincing, check this out.
Also, consider analingus
Rimming, also known as analingus, is the act of pleasuring the anus orally. This can include licking, sucking, kissing, or any other enjoyable act involving oral-to-anal contact.
As with any oral sex, make sure everything is clean, but other than that, try it out! Many people, regardless of gender or orientation, find this quite pleasurable.
Communication is everything
Talking is simple…and yet some of us find it so difficult to express how we feel! Remember, you can’t read each other’s minds during sex, so speak up if there’s anything you want that they’re not giving you.
If you’re stuck for words, consider saying something like ‘It’s so hot when you…’ or ‘I’d love it if you’d try….’ Another thing to keep in mind is that your body language speaks volumes.
Inevitably, your partner WILL know if you don’t want to be going down on them, and that is the greatest mood killer (and possibly the worst thing ever for someone’s self-esteem!)
So, if you decide to head to the land down, make sure you want it.
And then, make sure you’re ready to show them how much you want it—every. single. time.